2004-04-22 - 8:11 a.m.

in my dream last night i was in the woods.

i have beautiful visions of what this summer could be like:

i see paper lanterns on the porch at indian lake. the porch swing and some tiki torches. i see three to six friends, a case of natty light, toasting marshmallows on the fake fire. i see getting to know friends of friends over beer and s'mores. i see swimming in the lake at night. i see the face of youth staring at me asking when i'm going to invite her into my life.

i also see that summer a few years ago when masada and i stole two beers from my parents' fridge and, wrapped in saris, walked to the bridge barefoot to see the fireworks. she told me to break up with the boy. it took me two years to follow her advice. if those two years end up having brought me right back to that bridge standing next to her, that'll be fine with me.

the canoe. the abandoned trailer from the 50s. the snakes and otters. sunburned skin against cool blue and white tiles. my little sister wearing my bikini from back when i was as thin as her, lying on the porch tanning. my brother and my dad playing chess.

stardust is going to teach me to ride a motorcycle. and i'll ride the metro around berlin and study german and creative writing and drink beer and dance to techno. and i'll make myself a new dress. and i'll go to blackhand gorge on a rainy day with an orange umbrella. and i'll run throught the woods and i'll run through the city and i'll sleep like a cat on masada's bed.

baby, you have time enough.

one step forward - one step back