2004-01-03 - 2:39 a.m.

i get sick of things so fast. i feel like time (even the small amounts of it i've had to deal with) has dulled me and i feel old (i know i know, but that's how i feel) and tired. the thought of work, of school, of driving over to ryan's house, are all crushinly huge undertakings in my mind. there are only a few things i really like doing anymore:

1. my physical therapy, in which i lay very still and read magazines while my leg gets shocks alternately from four different electrodes. i do this for half an hour and then i switch the electrodes to the other leg. i can see my kneecap being pulled in the directiong it's supposed to be when the electricity causes my muscles to contract. i can see it moving over from the wrong side to the right side. it doesn't hurt, it just tickles a lot in a very small concentrated area, which feels odd. i sit there and watch the muscles spasm and thing contentedly of how much this will improve things, so i won't have to be careful all the time lest i get injured. i will be able to walk around without thinking about it hopefully. and if i have to have surgery, the physical therapy i'm doing now will help me recover faster later.

2. making shopping lists, buying ingredients, and making very complete tofu and vegetable stir-fry meals for my vegan sister. i love listing every vegetable i can think of, comparing different kinds of tofu to see which is best, leaving the rice out so it dries out enough to make fried rice, pressing the moisture out of the tofu, finding the perfect seasonings, steaming the vegetables just the right amount, frying the tofu just the right amount, adding shiitake mushrooms, green onions, mung beans, and garlic, garlic, and more garlic. i love looking at nutritional facts, making sure she is getting iron and calcium and protein.

shocking my leg and cooking for my sister are the two most satisfying and uncomplicated things in my life. if i make a small effort to do them right, then they will come out right. it's guaranteed. it makes me feel good.

one step forward - one step back